“So, what are the kids eating?” my friend asked, wandering into our kitchen.
All I could do was stare at her blankly.
My husband and I were hosting a dinner party for a handful of families, each with small children in tow. We weren’t there yet though. Pregnant with my first baby, I was totally uninitiated into the world of alternate dinners.
“Um, the chicken,” I guessed. “Don’t they eat the regular dinner like everyone else?”
It turns out that I was supposed to whip up some plain pasta for the kids, sprinkled with a little parmesan cheese and maybe a dollop of butter. But only for the kids who liked butter.
Otherwise they might not eat it.
Sounds exhausting, I thought. And it turns out, it is.
What’s the problem with making a separate dinner?
Cut to a few years later when I have four small kids of my own. I’m the chief cook, grocery shopper, menu planner, lunch packer, breakfast maker and developer of all the snacks, snacks, snacks in our house. Every single meal is on me. Maybe I’d feel differently if my husband was the kind who cooked instead of building chicken coops. But I doubt it. Because besides being a cook, I’m also just a person.
The very last thing I want to hear at the table is a complaint.
Not because I’m tired out, even though I am. Not because it’s rude, though it most certainly is. It’s because I see the family table as prime real estate for teaching our kids important life lessons.
If we’re juggling the expectation to create a separate meal for each kid, based on their individual preferences, we miss out. When did this start, anyway? And why? Because so many of us Gen-Xers remember sad dinners with our dads pounding on the table? Because we still feel the sting of being forced to eat overcooked vegetables from a frozen bag? At the risk of sounding like a hard-ass, I submit that it’s possible to build character without scarring the kids.
And because it happens so often, dinner is the perfect place to start.
Learning how to deal with disappointment
Among many other insights, my cherubs need to master something: When someone takes time to prepare a meal for them, the ONLY way to begin a conversation about it is by saying “thank you”. (The same rule actually applies to anything anyone prepares on their behalf. That Chewbacca costume your grandmother spent hours sewing for you to wear on Halloween? THANK YOU!)
This isn’t to say that disappointment is a crime.
Nope.
Disappointment and its cousin, discomfort, are both part of life. It’s just that I’d much rather have my kids practice dealing with this pair on my watch than turn them loose at 18 without the skills to handle either one.
Life isn’t a birthday party. You don’t always get to choose every special element of every single day. Sometimes dinner is delicious. Sometimes it’s not. You DO get to choose how big of a deal the difference is.
Table manners can be a litmus test for kids. Are they able to cope with not getting their way? Do they know how to make the best of a situation that isn’t ideal? Can they easily find things to appreciate?
After feeding 4 kids for years, it turns out that cooking is only half of the job. The other part is full-on parenting. Like, all hands on deck and hold on tight. But the reward of peaceful family dinners is nothing short of a dream come true.
5 steps to dinner with zero drama
With six people in my family, it doesn’t take Good Will Hunting math to guess that not everyone loves every single meal. Plus, dinner has another predictable hazard: timing.
This pesky meal always sneaks in at the end of the day when everyone’s tired. And with any luck, hungry. A double-whammy that means a kid who might have been willing to try a bite of everyone else’s favorite Cheesy Zucchini & Sausage Casserole at a perkier time of day, might just shrivel down in his chair at 6pm, pushing his plate away instead.
Here’s what I do.
- Every night, I put a SMALL helping of dinner on all the plates. Dinner usually includes two or three things. Maybe honey-mustard chicken and roasted cauliflower. Or slow cooker potato soup with bread and a side salad of kale with maple-balsamic dressing. Everyone gets about 2 bites of everything.
- Any comments other than, “thank you”, “this looks good”, or something in the family of positive vibes are ignored. Just ignored. Push through this phase because if you can do that with a cool head, it will stop. Kids aren’t trying to be awful. They’re just figuring out how to deal with disappointment. You can help them by not getting into a ping-pong game of frustration at the table. Remind them that any comments should start with “thanks”.
- Once a child has eaten the bird-sized portion on his or her plate, they are welcome to have more of whatever they like. Explaining this in a matter-of-fact way is a great pivot from #2 above.
- If it’s a new dish, or one that they hadn’t previously enjoyed, I might ask their opinion. My favorite way to do it as asking them to give me a Thumbs Up, Thumbs Middle or Thumbs Down. No one has to say words like “gross” or “yuck”. Nope. Just a simple hand gesture gives them an outlet for their opinion without going overboard. Like a review system with training wheels.
- We shift the conversation away from food. It took us YEARS to get here but sweet hallelujah, we’re finally in a zone where we can start talking about something else. A new favorite dinner activity is saying something nice about the person sitting across from you. Just rotate around the table. You’d be surprised at how cute the kids are with this.
To mitigate issues with food preferences, I try to get input from everyone fairly often.
“What would you like to have for dinner one night this week?”
“Anyone have a special request for breakfast soon?”
“I’m going to the store. Got ideas for yummy lunches next week?”
Not every meal needs to be perfect. We’re not talking about robot children reading from a script. But it’s my responsibility to lean in to these stressful moments, turning them into life lessons. I want my kids to be fluent in flexibility, curiosity, courtesy, and basic nutrition too. All of that is possible to learn around the table. But not if everyone is catered to individually. In this case, literally.
Ella says
One or two Lending Tree ads to scroll past would be fine, but you really take away from your article by having 7 interspersed throughout. Otherwise, great. Our family of 6 sit down every dinner together, so I can say with authority that you got this one right.
charityc says
Ack, sorry about that Ella! Thanks for your note and sorry about all the ads. I’ll send your feedback to the advertising network we work with!
And thanks so much for your kind words.
Love this. Thank you for sharing. This has always been my intention. As my son gets older I’m realzing it’s not easy. He is almost 2. At what age did you start this routine? At this point we always put a bite of our meal on his plate but sometimes we can’t even get him to try it. It’s hard to know how much to encourage him and at what point to back off. Do you have any advice?
Hi Joanna!
It’s NOT easy. Hang in there though, because eventually it’ll get easier. Like everything else with parenting, you’ll have tough days but it’ll get better. We started this around 2-3 years old for each kid. I used to joke that if you had enough teeth to use a fork, you were on the program.
The biggest piece of advice I have is to make sure he’s not snacking all day. A hungry kid will be much more interested in your freshly cooked meal than one who ate a bunch of cheese and crackers 30 minutes ago. I try to space out snacks before dinner with at least 2 hours in between.
And at dinner time for a really little guy like yours, I’d give him a couple bites of what you’re having, a couple more of what you know he’ll eat and just encourage him to try everything. When he’s done, ask if he wants any more. Then he’ll get into the habit of checking out his options, trying a bunch of things and asking for more of what he likes.
Good luck! You’re on the right track!
Hi Charity
I wholeheartedly agree with you! About once a week we do “kids choice” (usually chicken nugs or boxed mac and cheese with a veg) and they get to decide what they want. It’s a break for me and it gives them some sense of control. Otherwise what I serve is what I serve and they eat pretty much everything but this has been years in process of repeatedly serving them new things and having them eat with adults. Btw just found your blog by searching frozen cauliflower. Just bought my first bag yesterday instead of a fresh head so hopefully will turn out great!
Awesome!! I think ill do the two bites of everything thing too! Thank you!
Thanks so much! Hope everything works well for you and don’t be discouraged if it takes a while. That’s just how all of these things go. 🙂
Just found your blog today. Don’t know if you still get comments on these older posts or not, but would love advice about my fearful eater… She has a pretty limited palette due to the fact that she won’t try much, and when she does, it’s usually met with a “thumbs down” response. She does have really sensitive taste buds.
My question is, what do you do if the child will not try anything? Or if they try it and they like none of it? Would you just let them go hungry for tonight? Or would you let them get their own meal at that point.
I’m ready to make a change! My DD is 10 now, and we STILL struggle with her eating. Our 13 year old son started getting better when he started school, and he will try lots of things. We have tried multiple ways of handling it, and right now we have slid into the “if you don’t like what’s for dinner, make something for yourself” mode… which usually ends up being mac n cheese or some other form of carbs and cheese — ALMOST. EVERY. NIGHT.
Any suggestions are welcome!
Love the title of this post. I tell my crew (8,6,4) the exact same thing all the time.
I’ve had success by getting them involved with planting and harvesting from the garden, writing up the week’s meal plan and of course cooking.
I will incorporate the thumbs up, thumbs middle, thumbs down. I always look for feedback but love this simple way to wrap it up and move on to other topics.
Thanks, Robin!
You’re so right that gardening can be a perfect gateway to good food. And yes, yes, yes to cooking. Mine have started taking turns cooking dinner every Sunday night and it’s a game changer!
Hi!! I absolutely love this article!! I am a dietitian in South Africa, and I have been sending this article to struggling mothers for years now, and it helped me a lot in my own family as well!!
Thank you so much