Sometimes people say to me, “you must be such a good mom”. They think I’m rocking this parenting thing, probably running circles around them, because I make such a big deal out of cooking for our kids. Guess those people have never seen my laundry room.
After so many appreciate on food from people and suggestion to start catering business, I started catering with name corporate caterers miami ,catering is all about Cooking food, like every single part of parenting, is just a choice. It takes time, money, equipment and a bit of know-how. Like working out or saving money, it’s not easy and you have to make it a priority or you probably just won’t do it. But there’s also the diplomatic part, which can either make or break the whole thing. A recent study about the stress of family dinners conducted by sociologist Sarah Bowen, spurred a particularly vexing Slate article, titled no less than Let’s Stop Idealizing the Home-Cooked Family Dinner. “The main reason that people see cooking mostly as a burden is because it is a burden,” complains Slate’s Amanda Marcotte. “It’s expensive and time-consuming and often done for a bunch of ingrates who would rather just be eating fast food anyway.” Sound familiar?
After Slate covered it, many others agreed, picked up where she left off or rebutted. Then the New York Times came out with their own version. But each piece danced around the same issue: “Everyone dealt with what Ms. Bowen called the “burden of pleasing others”, says NY Times writer, Anna North. “Middle-class mothers felt that offering new foods was crucial for developing their kids’ palates — even if the process sometimes leads to food fights. But the process was time-consuming and stressful. Ms. Bowen and her co-authors write that “we rarely observed a meal in which at least one family member didn’t complain about the food they were served.”” Bingo!
Manners Matter More than Recipes
It’s so emotionally charged, this idea of making dinner. “Good moms” cook dinner, right? But when you don’t feel appreciated in your own home, by your own people, it’s so discouraging. Have you ever felt so fed up with the whining that you just couldn’t stand to make one more chicken dinner? I sure have. Sometimes I wonder, worry really, if using so much energy to cook takes away from other parts of our family life, like you know, making it through bath time without screaming at anyone. My husband isn’t a big eater and he’s not even home for weeknight dinners most of the time anyway. There have been times when it’s just me and three fussy kids pushing their plates away or yelling, “BUT I DON’T LIKE PEAS!” the second I set their food in front of them. Don’t forget the baby, who may or may not be crying her way through dinner prep on any given night.
When I heard myself saying things like, “Maybe I just won’t cook anymore if no one is going to appreciate it!” I knew I needed to revamp the way we do dinner. I enlisted my husband’s help to make these kids understand how much work this is, and why I do it for them. To the oldest three I’ll ask, “What would you say if I crinkled my face when you showed me your drawing earlier? If I said, ‘Oh, gross! I hate red flowers on pictures. You KNOW I don’t like that. Make me something else!'” They laugh but the point is taken. Complaining about the food is simply not allowed at our table anymore. Consequences are going to one’s room until they can come back and join us again, with a kinder attitude. It’s a pain to enforce because the result usually involves a kid yelling even more but in the end no one has ever, not once, missed dinner altogether.
There’s another new rule: The first thing anyone says at dinner, if they want to say something is, “Thank you!” We also introduced a thumbs-up, thumbs-middle, thumbs-down policy and now leave all criticisms at that. But under no circumstances is it okay for anyone to say something is bad, gross, yucky… Not from kids, not from parents. Not okay. Figure out a better way to express what you want for dinner NEXT TIME and see if that’s doable.
Not cooking because of time or expense is one thing. Not cooking because everyone is rude about it is another–and something you really can change. Even if you’re totally worn out. Especially if you’re totally worn out. This can be turned around.
Take heart moms, if you are cooking dinner even a couple nights a week, you are doing the right thing. And dads, please help. Even if that means you always clear the plates, or always unload the dishwasher, just do something that moms can count on every day, especially moms who are preparing and serving dinner without you on most nights. Got a dad who cooks? Please reverse this advice.
Making dinner and eating it together is important and it does produce great results. The reasons why I make cooking real food a priority are many. From nutrition to simple Home Ec principles (how to shop, cook and budget) to something at least as important: eating this meal together gives us the chance to check in with each other, to talk, laugh, sing, and pray together. You can’t do that if everyone’s too busy complaining about dinner. Like biting or wetting the bed, talking smack at the table is behavior that needs attention. Teaching our kids to eat nicely (an ongoing lesson if there ever was one) has been at least as hard as doing the actual cooking, but at least as important.
Otherwise, I agree with the folks at Slate. Why do it?
p.s. In the spirit of sharing easy recipes that everyone digs into every time, here are 5 of our favorite family meals:
Honey Mustard Chicken
Stuffed Peppers with Sausage, Cheese & Rice
Roasted Chicken with Vegetables
How to make tender London Broil Bursting with Flavor
Italian Casserole: Baked Zucchini with Rice & Sausage
Did you see this article from the NYTimes?
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/09/11/when-the-problem-is-priorities-dont-blame-cooking/?_php=true&_type=blogs&emc=edit_ml_20140911&nl=style&nlid=66625276&_r=0
I did not, until now! Thanks so much for sending. She is SO right and that’s actually the topic I was going to take up for part 2–dinner is either a priority or it’s not. And if it’s going to be, here are a few simple ways to make it happen. So stay tuned (and by all means send me your best tips!) Love the Motherlode. Thanks again.
Once they get the ideas that negative talk is not allowed at dinner, establish the idea of positive talk. Family Dinners are as much about conversation as food. This can be as simple as a Daily Question that gets everyone thinking about issues beyond themselves. With small children, parents will have to take the lead with the question, but the kids will soon catch on and can offer their own. “Saying Grace” or “Giving Thanks” serves this same purpose, depending on the religious/spiritual beliefs of the family.
Rebekah, what a great point. Thank you so much for bringing this up. Love the Daily Question and will definitely try it this weekend. We say grace and it’s always bite-your-finger sweet when the littlest guys do it. “Thank you God for this meal and for swings and everything in the whole wide world.” And you’re right, giving thanks works too. My kindergartener has a little song she learned at school and usually chooses that when it’s her turn to do grace. THANKS again! Great food for thought.
I love this take on the issue. I agree that it shouldn’t be acceptable for kids to be rude at the dinner table. Not like something? Wish they were having something else? That’s fine. But rude and ungrateful are behaviours that we need to teach our kids are NOT okay.
My son is still young (2.5) but has just started to get into declaring that he doesn’t like something before we even sit down at the table (I’m pretty sure this comes from daycare). I try to encourage him to say “No thank you” instead of “I don’t like this” and leave it at that. He doesn’t have to eat it, and I always make sure to add “but you will probably like it next to you eat it/when you are older”. It’s all about setting expectations and hopefully these habits sink in!
(Good job on enforcing your rules, even though it’s inconvenient. Your kids will be better – and will have better manners – because of it!)
Thanks, Sarah! Whenever I start to take a toddler’s food digs personally, I just remember how they also kick and scream when I try to change their dirty pull-ups too. Here’s to keeping at it.
I totally agree site the importance of cooking for the familly. Actually, that’s the normal here in Portugal!
We do question Who decides to give too much fast food to the kids…
I think it is cultural and maybe We were’nt that healthy if other options (like froozen meals to prepare in the microwave) were’nt so much more expanssive than cooking real food!!!
Yes We do have fights at dinner time, BUT …. There’s no options and We do manage to keep alive!!!
Please keep teaching the importance of giving real food to kids arround the world….
Hi Catarina! We just moved to the US from Italy where cooking and eating together were much more of a cultural focus too. That’s the main thing I miss about Rome. Great to hear from you–and we’d love to know what some of your best family dinners are in Portugal? If you care to share a recipe, please do! Either here in comments or hit the “contact me” button up top.
Best – Charity
This is great! I am going to link to this post later in the month when I publish a post about family dinners! Thanks for writing what we all are feeling.
Sounds great! Also love the concept of Mothering from Scratch. Thanks for your note!
At our table there is a rule, you get what you are given and you don’t throw a fit. My five yo has heard it since birth and has turned it into a rhythm. I try my best to explore items everyone likes so that there is little problems, doesn’t always work but does for the most part and everyone has a say in what’s for dinner. If you throw out a suggestion it’s usually listened to, if you don’t, see our rule lol. We also have one other rule, food fights are allowed, but only with veggies and it must be cleaned up! Keeps the fun in eating, and doesn’t happen as much as I thought it would. I have juggled fun and practical between my kids who are ten years apart!
Rachel you sound like so much fun! Love your take on family meals and I’m sure your lucky kids do too. Thanks for your note!
This is an older post, but I totally get it! I feel that pain sometimes myself since I do most of the cooking and chores.
Thank you Charity!
Keep at it, Rob! Your son will really appreciate it one day (and so will his partner.)
And you’re right. It’s from last year but darned if the same issue doesn’t keep coming up again and again.. : )